Thursday, January 20, 2011
Have you ever had that feeling that you’re just a like a little mouse? You hear and see everything, take it in, feel it—but no one ever hears you? I feel like that at times. Like I’m an observer but not a participator. Not just because I’m put in that position, but often because I just don’t want to be.
Anyone who knows me would say that I have absolutely no trouble expressing my feelings at all. I’ve been called blunt, loud, and a host of other things. But the people who know me best know that I’m quiet at times . . . lots of times maybe. I have trouble talking about the deep things that really affect me. Maybe it’s because I just don’t know how to put it into words. But sometimes I’d just rather not talk about it. Why bring something up that will just cause more conflict (outwardly or inwardly)? It’s something I’ve been told that I should get better at. I do realize that. At least, I think I do. Or I want to . . . I know I should. But it’s not what I’m used to. I’m used to holding it inside. And then when it does come out—trust me, it’s a flood. But then it all goes bundled up inside again, only to come out in little pieces in my poetry and prayers.
On the completely other hand, sometimes I think that I talk entirely too much. Have you ever come back from someplace thinking, “Why didn’t you just shut up for once?” Sometimes I wonder if I come off as totally annoying. I took a personality test that told me that I was a “performer.” I am. I like entertaining people. But I don’t want to be like that to the degree that people think of me as an amusement rather than just . . . a person. I want to be genuine. And while I realize God has given me the personality I have (and it’s not like I don’t like myself), it’s definitely possible for me to take that too far. To talk and tease and laugh and forget to stop for a minute to listen.
Another thing: I focus too much on what other people think of me. Because I am that “performer,” I like people, and I like people to like me. But I need to be focused on what God thinks of me, and that’s struck me more and more recently. Who cares if I look like a complete idiot to everyone else, as long as I’m glorifying my Savior?
You know what? God is good. God is always, always good.
“No one is good—except God alone.” -Jesus’ words in Mark 10:18