Thursday, January 20, 2011

Personality differences

Have you ever had that feeling that you’re just a like a little mouse?  You hear and see everything, take it in, feel it—but no one ever hears you?  I feel like that at times.  Like I’m an observer but not a participator.  Not just because I’m put in that position, but often because I just don’t want to be.

Anyone who knows me would say that I have absolutely no trouble expressing my feelings at all.  I’ve been called blunt, loud, and a host of other things.  But the people who know me best know that I’m quiet at times . . . lots of times maybe.  I have trouble talking about the deep things that really affect me.  Maybe it’s because I just don’t know how to put it into words.  But sometimes I’d just rather not talk about it.  Why bring something up that will just cause more conflict (outwardly or inwardly)?  It’s something I’ve been told that I should get better at.  I do realize that.  At least, I think I do.  Or I want to . . . I know I should.  But it’s not what I’m used to.  I’m used to holding it inside.  And then when it does come out—trust me, it’s a flood.  But then it all goes bundled up inside again, only to come out in little pieces in my poetry and prayers.

On the completely other hand, sometimes I think that I talk entirely too much.  Have you ever come back from someplace thinking, “Why didn’t you just shut up for once?”  Sometimes I wonder if I come off as totally annoying.  I took a personality test that told me that I was a “performer.”  I am.  I like entertaining people.  But I don’t want to be like that to the degree that people think of me as an amusement rather than just . . . a person.  I want to be genuine.  And while I realize God has given me the personality I have (and it’s not like I don’t like myself), it’s definitely possible for me to take that too far.  To talk and tease and laugh and forget to stop for a minute to listen.

Another thing: I focus too much on what other people think of me.  Because I am that “performer,” I like people, and I like people to like me.  But I need to be focused on what God thinks of me, and that’s struck me more and more recently.  Who cares if I look like a complete idiot to everyone else, as long as I’m glorifying my Savior?

You know what?  God is good.  God is always, always good.

“No one is good—except God alone.”  -Jesus’ words in Mark 10:18

4 comments:

  1. Jenn,
    You are a very good writer. I think God has given you the ability to put together perfect words in perfect ways to create very readable, very interesting insights into life :)

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  2. Wow, Jenn. I have to deal with this all the time! I had no idea we were so alike:) I'm loud and outspoken enough that people think I'm not shy - but I am. I love attention and being around people (but I think that that's because I refuse to be satisfied with myself as God sees me). And...my deepest, darkest secrets? I refuse to share them. I *like* to hide them even as I long for somebody to come along and figure them all out ;)

    Anyway, I just thought I'd share that. I've been dealing with this a lot lately and what I've found (from others' wisdom) is that it doesn't matter if I share/don't share, etc, as long as I first am content in how God sees me. Once my identity starts coming from Him, I will be free from others' and my own opinions:)

    -Caitlin

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  3. I deal with the same problem. That is, expressing my feelings.

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  4. Ahahah, I've thought the SAME thing. "why didn't you just shut up for once?!". >_>

    Something I used to do (I rarely do it now...but, once in a while I will) is to say something JUST to say something. Even though it hadn't much weight in the conversation as a whole, but I just wanted to be noticed. So, I'd speak up. THAT is not a reason to speak. :P just for the record. lol.

    I used to be shy around crowds (yeah, shocking :P). My first year in Teenpact, I barely talked to anybody for fear of what they would think of me. (I dealt with a LOT of issues back then...lol)
    What really changed me was the realization that 1)I didn't need to be afraid of what people thought of me 2) I shouldn't have ot change myself (drastically) to get into the "in crowd" of friends I had wanted.

    After I realized that....it was easier for me to become involved with people. instead of just being an "observer" I was a "participator".

    Alright, well...I'm running out the door on my way to work (not literally, or else I wouldn't be on the computer...but you know). SO, I don't know if anything I said has made sense, or if it REALLY relates to your post at all. :P It is just what I thought of. =]

    Love you!!

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