Saturday, January 12, 2013

black & white


Sometimes I long for a simpler life.  I'm not referring to the stuff, I mean the living.  Life is so big and complex and humbling and unpredictable and confounding and I myself am so small and yet feel an overwhelming pressure to know what I'm about and who I'm affecting.

There's only been one week of the semester and yet I already feel the need for more time.  I know I have significantly more time on my hands than last semester, but I'm afraid of spending it irresponsibly.  I want to spend more time writing, like pouring my soul onto paper writing.  Real, deep, maybe somewhat raw, probably for no one's eyes but mine.  But I know that type of thing is good for me--it helps me process my thoughts in a good way, or else they all stay jumbled very uncomfortably inside.

I so desire to be a better friend to people.  I have incredible friends, and a lot of them.  But I know, I know, beyond just trying to throw a pity party for myself, that I am not the best friend I could be sometimes.  I know there are things I should change, not for other people but because God has been showing me things about myself that hurt in a way that is necessary and good.  I'm scared I won't listen, and sometimes messing up terrifies me.

I wish I knew what I was doing with my life--what my calling is.  Not more than a year ago I remember saying that I wished that, rather than being just moderately good at multiple little things, there was something that I was exceptionally good at.  I've realized since then that theatre is the closest thing I have to that.  I don't mean to brag, I honestly don't know how good I am, but I do know that God gave me a huge passion for it and that it's my niche in the world and I never feel happier or more alive than when I'm doing it.  And I really, really hope God uses that in my life.

I long to get back to good reading again.

I want--I need--to be lit on fire for Jesus in a way that I never have been before.  I want to get more excited about him than I do about people or musical theatre or anything else in the world.  I want to talk  about him more, talk to him more, but I also want to listen to him more.

I so hope to someday reach a point where I can love like my God loves me--unselfishly, unconditionally, unfalteringly.  I see so, so much of the love in this world that isn't even love as much as it is selfish and self-serving.  I don't want to love selfishly.  I want to be a giver, not a getter.  I want that love to fill me so much that it can't help but spill over.  I want not to care if people like me, dislike me, or don't know I exist.  I want to find my identity in Jesus alone, as the one that he loves.

I think maybe I should spend more time outside.  I think maybe I should play the piano more.  I think maybe I shouldn't put myself in a box, and I shouldn't put others in one either.  I think maybe I make some things more complicated and confusing than they have to be, and I think maybe I should be active about how to change that.  I think maybe I should keep trying to learn and learn and learn and care and try and be.

I want to invest in my siblings.  I want not to worry about the future.  I want to be above reproach.  I want to decide what is important to me and do it.  I want to be intentional and gracious with my friendships.  I want to be certain of things.  I want to hear the voice of God and I want to answer.  I want to be able to let things go when it is better that way.  I want to trust and I want to be trustworthy.  I want to look back and be happy with my choices, and right now I want to look forward knowing I will look back and be happy with those that I'm making even today.

There are so many decisions I need to make and tasks I need to accomplish and I wish life was as black and white as a photograph.  But while it can be dreadfully overwhelming, I also want to be excited that I have so much ahead of me.  So much life, so much potential.

--
a little writing from much too late last night. maybe this could be considered a new years list of sorts?

17 comments:

  1. I love, love, love, you and your beautiful honesty. <3

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  2. i love this! so real. and relatable. xx | natalia.

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  3. You inspire me. Just thought you ought to know that. I love this so much. :)

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  4. Black and white brings so much simplicity to life...I love shooting in B&W. Also, I think you and I are a lot alike. Like, kind of a really big amount. So much of this is me all over...sounds almost exactly like something I'd write in my own journal. Especially this:

    "Real, deep, maybe somewhat raw, probably for no one's eyes but mine. But I know that type of thing is good for me--it helps me process my thoughts in a good way, or else they all stay jumbled very uncomfortably inside."

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  5. Yes, yes. To all of it. Thanks for putting yourself out there in a beautifully relatable, yet unique way.

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  6. This couldn't have resonated with me more. Thank you for the much needed reminders of what should be important! You pretty much rock :)

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  7. I think every living soul in this world should have the time for reading. If you feel that you are lacking the space in your life to write what's on your heart and read what you desire, you truly deserve more time for those things. If in any way possible you could make time for yourself to express yourself in raw, simple ways, then do it. It's worth it.

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  8. Oh my goodness, this post was so beautifully written. You are so honest, true and sincere. I totally could apply to what you wrote. I loved it :) Thanks for sharing your heart!! :)

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  9. this, this, this... i had a really hard day yesterday pretty much because i was thinking about everything you just wrote here. sometimes i just wonder what i'm doing, or what i should be doing with my life. it's really a constant struggle for me. but i'm encouraged to know i'm not alone. :)

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  10. This whole post really encouraged me, and resonated deep within me. I can relate to this so much. I guess all I can say is yes. Yes, yes, and yes. And...thank you. Thank you for sharing this.

    Blessings, friend!

    -Madi

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  11. I couldn't stop reading this post! I adore your writing style. Like, seriously. *nods*

    Love,
    ~Jenny

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  12. LOVELOVELOVE + your words are so beautiful!

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  13. I really needed this today. I've been feeling the same way- I need to spend my time more responsibly and intentionally. This inspires me. :)

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  14. I LOVE YOU. AND I LOVE THIS. AND ITS LIKE YOU SOMEHOW LOOKED INTO MY BRAIN AND FOUND OUT WHAT I WAS THINKING AND THEN WROTE A POST. THE END.

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  15. pretty much all this totally me. thank you for posting, dear girl! love your writings, love your photographs, and love your sweet little corner of the blogging world you have here! xoxo | grace
    >>----> come stop for tea @ gracesgardenwalk.blogspot.com

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  16. Talent, my friend. To the max. But yeah, this is cool and possibly something I should probably maybe think about as well......

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